Unshared Feelings of Grief

My mom suggested that I attend the local church's special tree decorating ceremony in memory of family members who have passed on... of Jim. It is my parents' way of allowing their Catholic faith to comfort them. She didn't just "invite" me, she also mentioned it to my sister, Jean, and my sister in law, Dri (Jim's wife), her now remaining children. She explained that each family would have the opportunity to place a handmade ornament on the tree once the name of the deceased was read aloud by the local news anchor at the pulpit. There would be a children's bell choir and a chorus to sing holiday hymns, and in her mind it sounded like a lovely evening of rememberance. Mom went on to mention that she did not want for each of us to feel obligated, but we all know the golden rule-- if we don't oblige mom we will indeed feel guilty. It's not her fault. We are of Italian descent.

When she brought it up, I didn't share her love of the idea. In fact, I was speechless at the thought of joining a group of individuals who are also devastated by the loss of a loved one. I could not think of anything more depressing than commiserating over death and the depth of sadness in the midst of an already heartbreaking holiday season. I wanted no part of it. But I went. And so did Jean and Dri. It was painful as I thought it would be, and messed me up for the entire next day.

In the case of a family in grief, each individual feels a different form of it and always at a different time. There is sadness, depression, anger, guilt, withdrawal, shock, denial, etc., etc. And so therein poses the dilemma of the dysfunctional dynamic of a former closeknit family exposed to the layers of pain associated with death, murder, and oh let's not forget, witnessing the crime.

Yes, witness. My family, each member, watched the next door neighbor chase Jimmy down the driveway unloading bullets at him while he ran for his life. It was Jim's son, Louie's, 9th birthday party, and we were all outside that day. We watched Louie's daddy fall to the ground. Louie watched his daddy fall to the ground. At his birthday party.