Christmas Dinner 2009

Well we did get through the horror of Christmas, but not without some drama. Over the past several years the Pagano's spend Christmas eve at my sister Jean's house. Typically we've prepared the Italian favorites like the Spaghetti with White Clam Sauce, Baked Stuffed Shrimp, Seafood Casserole, and many other fishy delicacies. Interestingly, it would seem now, that many of these dishes were prepared for Jimmy. He had his favorites, and we were all ready and willing to indulge, but now, it is simply hors d'oeuvres, as if the rest of us didn't also delight in the menu.

This year we went through the motions of the holiday. Jean did a nice job with the appetizers, but as always we had the elephant in the room. It was painfully quiet and reserved. By 7:30 the kids had opened their presents, and we had eaten the scallops and bacon, stuffed quahogs, snail salad, and pizza. Dad was asleep on the couch, the kids were playing video games, and the rest of us were staring at each other. I couldn't take it anymore. A game of Taboo finally saved all of us.

Christmas dinner, as usual, is mom, dad, me, Uncle Mac and his Diane. My son, Macke, and I sleep at Mom's on Christmas eve...Santa comes there. Macke's dad, Kenny, comes over in the morning to open gifts, and then leaves with him to see his family. Somehow, sometime on Christmas morning Mom decided to lay into me about something. Something silly and totally uncalled for when you consider it is a holiday, and we are all suffering great loss on this day. I am there at her house most often, and complaints and overall misery are typically bestowed on me. I understand she is sad, but it comes out in anger and hostility. Negativity. Directed towards me, as if what happened that horrific day is my fault. This is a concept that will be revisited at a later time...much too juicy to leave behind.

Dinner was stressful and quiet. In fact it was downright uncomfortable for our guests as I would hear later. Mom is angry, and she has a right to be. Her son was murdered, and he is not with us on Christmas. He is not with his children or his wife. Or his sisters. She needs to vent, and it can't be to dad. He is suffering too. She won't see a shrink...she doesn't see the point. No, it's easier to just unload on me. I understand but can't allow her to drag me down. I'll just stay away for a while.